A Cape Breton farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy about 12 opened the door.
“Is your dad home?” the farmer asked.
“No, sir, he ain’t” the boy replied.
“He went into town.”
“Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?”
“No sir, she ain’t here neither…she went into town with dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“He went with mom and dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for ya?” the boy asked politely.”
“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or, maybe I could take a message for dad.”
“Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your dad…
It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment.
“You would have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded.
“If it helps you any, I know that Pa
charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, “But I really don’t know how much he gets for Howard.”
============================
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to
her, and asks her: “Can we have s*x?”
“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God.” She stands up, and gets off at the
next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: “I can tell you
how to get to have s*x with her!”
“Yeah?”, says the hippie.
“Yeah!”, say the bus driver. “She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at
midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood,
put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery
claiming to be God.”
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as
suggested on the next Tuesday night.
“I am God,” he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
“Have s*x with me.”
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to a*al
s*x, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he
jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
“Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m the hippie!”
“Ha-ha,” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver!
====================================
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH…………
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR
BUTT WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE
AROUND.
3. WE’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE’S BUTT AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK
MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR
HOURS AGO.
5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM
SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW
SONG PLAY’S BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!”
7. WE’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO
US.
8. WE’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING
US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE
THE VODKA.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE
THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON
IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT’S THEIR
FAULT THAT WE’RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
And Remember…
“A clean house is the sign of a wasted life”
=======================================
Never say to a policeman
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says “Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
======================================
Female Compassion
Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.Wiping away her tears,
he asked her to make love with him.Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, “Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?”Carolyn agreed and again they made love.Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn’s shoulder and said,”Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.” She agreed,then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.”Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we…?” His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen Barry, I’m not being funny…but I have to get up in the morning and you don’t.”
======================
Creation and Life
>
> On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the
door
> of your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this, I
> will give you a life span of twenty years.”
> The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years
> and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
> So God agreed.
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain
people, do
> tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year
life
> span.”
> The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty
long
> time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?”
> And God agreed.
> On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the
> field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves
> and give milk to support the farmer’s family.
> For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years”.
> The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty
> years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
>
And God agreed again.
> On the fourth day, God created man and said:
> “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you
> twenty years”
> But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,
> the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten
> the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
> “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy
> ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support
our
> family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
> grandchildren And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and
> bark at everyone.
> Life has now been explained to you.
>
>
>
=================
Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”His wife is puzzled and asks
if he’s been to this club before.”Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?””She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
Police are warning to all men who frequent clubs, parties and pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date drug on the market called “Beer.”The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large “kegs”. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” occurred.At other times these unfortunate men are swindled
of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.” Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered. by the predatory females.Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this “Beer” scam and the women administering it,there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book.
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.” The wife says nothing,Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” He says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, And she’s a far better lover than you are.”Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.. Up to 80. “I want the car, too,” he continues.85 mph. “And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!”The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.”No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says.”Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. “The airbag.”
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….”Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet” “Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee”.So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon…every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. “Eees a bacon tree”.”Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don’t forget””Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.And with that …Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but.
true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.”Pepe…go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree””Luis Luis mi amigo…what ees it?”Pepe…ees not a bacon tree…Ees Ees Eees a Ham Bush.
Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
===================================
an e-mail gone wrong
”A minneapolis couple decided to go to florida to twaw out a particularly icy winter.They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spend their honeymoon 20 years earlier.because of hectic schedules the husband left Minnesota and flew to florida on Thursday,with his wife fluing down the following day
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room so he decided to send his wife an e-mail.
However he accidentally left a letter out in her e-mail address,and without realising his error he send the e-mail
Meanwhile somewhere in Houston ,a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.He was a minister who had a heart attack and died.The widow decided to check her e-mail,expecting messages from relatives and friends.After reading the first message she screamed out and fainted.The widow’s son rushed into the room and shaw the computer screen witch read:
To my loving wife.Subject:I’v arrived.Date:October 16 2004.I know you are surprised to hear from me.They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.I’v just arrived and have been checked in.I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to see you then !Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here !
==========================
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