All I could say to my companion for the first five minutes of my first trip to Cape Town’s Fugard Theatre was ‘It’s so pretty’. It really is a beautiful old building that has been very well restored. And, when I found out that I could take my wine into the show, but only in a plastic cup (no problem to me as having grown up in PE, plastic cups and I have a long exciting history) my fondness for this theatre really grew! My companion and I were at the Fugard to watch/participate in Writer Sports1: The Cringe Factor – one of events held during the recent Open Book Festival.
In the style of the Bulwer Lytton Awards, five writers were set to compete in order to see who could produce the worst writing. The brief was to write the worst possible opening page of a novel. The page had to include the line: ‘In Cape Town, nobody…’. Five writers took part in this event (I am loathe to use the word competition as it was more of an hour long comedy event). Up first was Sam Wilson who, unfortunately was not there, but who did produce a spectacularly bad display of writing which encompassed a giant squid attacking Cape Town, a buxom blonde who kept in shape playing tennis and her commanding officer.
Next up was Tom Eaton, better known for his novel The De Villiers Code. He had an interesting piece of work that seemed to take a long time to really say nothing apart from a comparison of a crumpled map to a wise old African man together with requisite comparisons to African animals and a lengthy discussion of the directions that can be travelled in Cape Point. It was beautifully pointless. Tom Eaton also had a few pointers on what helps to inspire a writer, one of which is apparently whatever is on the telly at the time of writing (and people say telly rots our brains!).
Sarah Lotz was the only writer that seemed to be comfortable with the fact that she had been asked to appear on a panel that would produce bad writing. And she very proudly stated that she loves to write schlock. Her opening took place in Africa-space (500 years from now), had a cyborg who would make Megan Fox look like Cathy Bates (even without her head – the cyborg’s head, not Megan Fox – apparently the hero of the piece was still very much attracted to the cyborg.). It was a brilliant piece of B grade schlock.
Justin Fox, a travel journalist, produced a tender love story between two bergies (Tjpie and Saartjie) while they roamed the wheelie bins in Gardens. My only criticism of this piece is that it ended in the middle of a stirring love scene and we were left suspended and wondering if Tjipie does in fact get to hold Saartjie’s oblong buttocks in his hands or if she tells him to take a powder.
Shaida Kazie Ali did attempt to write badly, but it end up being too good for the competition and she should have been disqualified or sent to her room without anywriting materials. However, as the writer of the acclaimed first novel “Not A Fairy Tale” what could we expect.
At the end of the readings, the audience had to choose who had produced the worst first page. This an extremely counter intuitive thing to decide, however, in a healthy democracy the majority vote won it for Sarah Lotz and her African-space story. Deservedly so!
The entire event was well chaired by Imraan Coovadia, who did not, unfortunately, produce anything.
The Cringe Factor was a brilliantly funny event. In my humble opinion there is nothing as funny as well written schlock! My companion and I both thoroughly enjoyed it and I know I am looking forward to next year’s episode.
To read Sam Wilson’s entry go to: http://samwilson.bookslive.co.za/blog/2011/09/21/the-cringe-factor/